I could not stay away from livejournal ... *sigh*.
I have created another journal here that I PROMISE I am going to update - bringyourownsun
The woman has changed me in the past and this song reached out and grabbed me inside. I can only look to the future and smile because she is in my life.
I am going to delete this soon ...
lots of love
Thank you all for your support.
Love to you all.
I shall be back again ....
After I find peace.
This is a song to say good-bye.
A good-bye to a journal that holds no purpose anymore ...
Good-bye to an era
Good-bye to a minutes worth of time in space
Good-bye to something that started out as survival, crash landed inside the deepest depression I’ve ever known and ended as a self-destructive valium induced no, valium required life. *Just give me one more medicated peaceful moment*
A fierce moment full of jobs that I hated getting up for everyday but never called in sick for and always worked overtime. Jobs full of fake people, drinking home made coffee out of $20 Starbucks mugs, people who wore scarves inside as if they were fashion statements. A life full of people I really didn’t care for, that in the end I forgot to pretend that I cared and they slowly faded away rendering me a hermit in my own personal cage. *You’re just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird*
A five year period full of men who made me hate, loathe, despise and abhor myself. Hurt myself in ways I swore in 2001 I would never do again; hurt myself with too much whiskey, cocaine, heroin, benzodiazepine, knives and razorblades. Made me want to crawl up into a little ball and disappear just to heed to the pain of that unreturned phone call. Learning that after 28 years I am worth nothing more than a one night stand or a blow job in some parking lot while some man feels me up. *I hurt myself today, to see I could feel ~ I hurt myself sweet boy I’m sure I’m sure to see if you’d see me …*
Have I learned nothing in these last five years?
Have I learned nothing but how to hate myself more, in deeper harder ways that I never knew existed? How to hurt myself in new ways so that no one would see learned to fake it just like Betty Gable and Steve McQueen? How to make believe that we all live in this happy family world, we are the Clever’s and Beaver is drowning himself in self obliteration and loathing for the cartoon world he lives in. *Go away girls bring good laughs Steve McQueen always takes him back to a place where he saves pictures of pictures of her face*
No matter where I go today she follows me.
Caught a lite sneeze
Caught a lite breeze
Dreamed a little dream
Made my own
*Reasons she is tattooed on my arm*
This is a song to say good-bye
To an era
To a state of being
To a state of thought …
How ever far away
I will always love you
How ever long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you ….
And I'm so sad
Like a good book
I can't put this day back
A sorta fairytale with you
A sorta fairytale with you
And I'm so said
I never knew we could break
Break a silver lining ....
A Perfect Circle - Medicated
Tori Amos - Crucify
Tori Amos - Hurt Intro - Sneeze
Tori Amos - Father Lucifer - Steve McQueen Bridge
The Cure - Love Song
Tori Amos - Fairytale
THIS IS A CRITICAL MESSAGE !!!
I receintely had to reformat my computer.
I had a copy of PS-7 as a back up but for some reason the cd is not loading to my computer.
I do not have the $100+ dollars to by an updated version.
Graphic production is going to be at a standstill until I can get this program installed.
IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE who has a PS program that they would be willing to boot leg and share I would be greatly appreciative!
I will even pay or swap whatever you want!!!
(or howefer you spell it)
has proven to us women again ...
it doesn't matter how rich you are - yo man may still woop you ass if you lye with dogs.
He never could speak right, pronounced everything wrong and was completely clueless 99.99% of the time.
Will I remember him?
Probably not in the future.
I will instead remember things and evens that happend WHEN he was in office that had nothing to do with him.
He's the President.
Meaning he was the biggest scapegoat this country has.
When something goes wrong or looks grim - if the President is in bad favor it is his fault that it happened.
Hurricane Katrina - sorry the President doesn't control the weather, he couldn't help that it happened. Could he have reacted better - yes. Would anyone else react differently - we will never know.
911 - he never caused that either. No one said "we crash these planes in the name of George W. Bush".
The War in Iraq - ya he wanted that, was misguided and helped to lie to the public to get us to support him in the beginning. That shit is unforgivable.
Will Obama be any better?
I have no idea.
Do I think he is going to get into office on Tuesday and the world is going to magically get better - no.
All the promises under the moon won't right things in a heart beat.
However he has chosen to take position as figure head of this country and major scapegoat numero uno.
Will the public turn if he doesn't fullfil things they way they want.
You bet your white ass they will.
It's called history, you can't change that.
THINGS LIKE THIS MAKE ME REMEMBER THERE IS A FUCKED UP GOD OUT THERE WHO LOVES ME IN LITTLE BITS!!!